I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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