I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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