i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize