I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
