Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
