hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
