he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
