he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
