i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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