I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
