Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
