Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
