her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
