so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
