we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Randomize