24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
