he shaved USA in his pubs
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
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