I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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