I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
