I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
