this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Randomize
