i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You've changed since you got that strap on
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
