he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
