Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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