Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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