It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
