do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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