totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
