my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
