Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
