there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
