I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
