I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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