How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I need to stop coming to work sober
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
