I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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