she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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