I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Randomize