Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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