I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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