she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
