I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize
