Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
