Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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