What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
