just tell him i said nine months
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
