he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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