got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
