I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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