They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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