Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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