I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
