My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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