I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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