Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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