i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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