Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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