All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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