I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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