Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
