I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
