you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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